A Bit About Joey

Took Soap to see Silver Linings Playbook tonight. It was good;...

Mon, 25 Feb 2013 03:53:17 -0500

Took Soap to see Silver Linings Playbook tonight. It was good; but my past made it rough to sit through at times.

Besides that, I’m tired. Mentally tired. Which makes sense, because last week was 90ish hours of anxiety and panic. Going to take an extended break tomorrow night to play Prototype 2. Need to do more yoga. Need to do more meditation.

Need to e-mail Greg and Ryan.

But first, sleep.

Okay, here comes another failblog.

Wed, 20 Feb 2013 16:24:42 -0500

I have terrible fucking boundaries. I mean, yeah, I’m good with personal space and not manipulating others, but with work, well…

I’ve been having a lot of trouble being mindful when there’s work problems kicking around in my brain. And since writing and researching has become my full-time job, I tend to do that thing where I focus until it’s three weeks later and I still haven’t e-mailed Greg about meeting up again.

But hey, I’ve got really forgiving friends who know I’m trying to work that shit out. Hell, every conversation I have with Ryan wraps up like the ending to Terminator 2. Except it wasn’t always like that.

So, what changed?
Well, I became more patient.

Being less nervous and more patient has allowed me to focus on more tasks related to bigger goals for longer. And at a glance, that sounds like a massive breakthrough for me, because it means that I finally unlocked the essential skill needed to get my books done. But that’s not how it goes.

Because at the same time, I’ve let all of my other short term goals slip. I’ve missed dates with friends. I haven’t been on any podcasts. I forgot about all of the little projects I used to do to keep in touch with people. And as a result, I’ve become less happy and far less excited about my life.

Almost all of the stuff I’m doing won’t “pay off” until later this year, if that.

It’s time I break up my schedule to allow for more projects, even if it means delaying some of the bigger stuff.

I miss my friends, and I miss working on stuff with them.

I need to get better at updating this, especially since...

Tue, 19 Feb 2013 18:15:52 -0500

I need to get better at updating this, especially since I’m learning more than I’m producing.

As with everything, there’s a trade-off. I’ve tried to put myself on a...

Sat, 09 Feb 2013 21:59:49 -0500

As with everything, there’s a trade-off.

I’ve tried to put myself on a “maker’s schedule,” by waking up late and going to bed late, so I can focus on my work, alone, but if today showed me anything, it’s that I need to be more normal. Especially because the trade-off is maybe an extra hour of work each night for sacrificing my sanity.

So, today’s new update is to wake up earlier, go to bed earlier and try to get some sunlight on my skin.

"raw gobbets of mouth-beef dangling onto my tongue"

Thu, 31 Jan 2013 18:18:41 -0500

So, I fucked up. Kinda.

Well, no. I fucked up.

But hey, I’m still here to do a postmortem, so that’s something.

No two projects should be in the same phase at the same time. Cramming six or seven “new” things in my life was a recipe for disaster. Prepping for work by reading comics did not make me want to read more research for the book. In a day, I’m lucky if I can get four hours of reading done.

Schedules are bullshit as long as I meet deadlines.
It’s stupid to spend two hours dragging my feet on work, wishing I could socialize with friends or go for a run, when I can just do that for two hours and get back to work refreshed. When I’m focused, I can bang out work in half the time.

Communication is key.
Typing that makes me feel like a child, but it’s something I need to integrate into everything I do. My relationship with Sophia works because we communicate. (We DMed each other about 50 times today.) And yet, I can’t drop Ryan a tweet to tell him that we should skype more? Woof.

Drafting is planned obsolescence.
I procrastinate because I’m a perfectionist, and I’m a perfectionist because I procrastinate. But I’m also an imperfect, fallible dude that wants to accomplish his goals. Small failures and minor missteps get me closer to improving myself. Putting shit off until I stress about it is the big failure.

Getting past my depression is a three step process.
I found a bunch of old therapy stuff back in October, and the second time around, it was enough to keep me going during a bad relapse. Yeah, I stumbled and lost more time, but now, I’ve got a better grasp on how to handle it.

Knock out whatever emotions are dragging me down, and work through therapy worksheets until I realize the irrationality of it.
Fix my physical and mental symptoms by doing the right tasks in the right order. If I can’t focus, I can run, do yoga or meditate. If I don’t have enough energy, I can read, study or work. There’s always something I can do, even if I’m only 40% of my usual self.
When in doubt, there’s distraction, diversion and entertainment. Having fun and getting help from my support system is not a waste of time. If I’m going to stay off meds, it’s important that I work on being happy and healthy as I complete my goals.

So, yeah. Another few months, another few learning experiences.

Up late, learning Python.

Sat, 26 Jan 2013 03:44:44 -0500

Up late, learning Python.

"if the techies aren't grinding, the stock ain't climbing."

Mon, 21 Jan 2013 18:56:00 -0500

How long until someone builds a company that incorporates the SPV model with the crowdfunding brouhaha of Kickstarter? There has to be a legal or financial reason why it hasn’t happened yet.

Currently, fans trade money for rewards, if the project is funded. A lot of the time, those rewards have something to do with the product being produced, i.e. you get what you fund. But there’s nothing that guarantees quality or completion, beyond the promise to KS that the rewards will be sent out ASAP.

With a crowdfunding and slate financing, our company - let’s call it Punchstarter - would collect 20-30 popular projects, seek production funding from fans and form an SPV. And in addition to fans funding independent development, there’s a bond company stooge to keep the projects on time and under budget.

The indie devs get shit done, buying back their IP after completion. Fans get what they finance. The company gets a cut for turning fan money into an SPV. Bigger contributions get equity that’ll attract investors and maybe even inspire fans to become investors. (After all, getting people to put money into diversified investments? Not the worst idea ever.) Plus, normal people get to see what it’s like to get involved in the business side of art production, instead of the “you give me money and I’ll get it done” models we’ve seen.

I don’t know. It’s a thought.

"male geeks don't know how to deal with real live women"

Sun, 20 Jan 2013 05:52:59 -0500

Spent an hour and a half watching disturbing porn with the Kid. (He’s not actually a kid.) My nightmares will be forever haunted by the image of a lady pooping out gummy worms.

Made cookie dough. Tomorrow, cookies.

Came up with a project to justify my webdev goals. Digitizing and tracking my therapy worksheets - I don’t know why I didn’t think of it sooner.

“If you can’t track it, you can’t change it.” - Esther Dyson

Today wasn’t very productive, but I’m excited by the possibility of combining my battle against depression and my quest for knowledge. (That sounds so stupid.) Yet another potentially-good-idea to come out of my running-shower-podcast time.

Biking goal: 42 miles in one day
Running goal: 6 miles in 75 minutes
Upper body goal: 20 pull-ups without my arms falling off

Late at night. Pale as fuck. I’d probably be in bed with...

Fri, 18 Jan 2013 02:57:28 -0500

Late at night. Pale as fuck.

I’d probably be in bed with Soap right now if it wasn’t for the fact that she got me watching Jiro Dreams of Sushi today.

Instead, I work.

They mow the lawn every ten minutes at Microsoft. It looks like green Lego pads.

Wed, 16 Jan 2013 08:33:00 -0500

Hurt my neck, then strained my back shoveling wet snow. So, instead of sleeping, I’m sitting here thinking about work.

Over the last day, it’s become obvious that my fears have evolved into something new. Last year, I was worried about failure. This year, I’m worried about focusing on the wrong things.

Should I be with friends? Should I be reading? Should I be in bed with Soap? Should I try to return to school?

At times, it seems like I get little to no feedback about that. I mean, I miss my friends. I feel like I should close the laptop and go to bed. But feelings… I don’t know how to rationally assess this stuff on my own.

I’ve still got a long way to go with therapy. I’ve still got a long way to go with a lot of things.

But I did eat one of those Dorito tacos from Taco Bell. At least I’m 100% sure I made the wrong choice there.

back again

Sun, 13 Jan 2013 06:22:01 -0500

It’s the American view that everything has to keep climbing: productivity, profits, even comedy. No time for reflection. No time to contract before another expansion. No time to grow up. No time to fuck up. No time to learn from your mistakes. But that notion goes against nature, which is cyclical.

- George Carlin

Sitting in the dark, watching Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol, waiting for Soap to wake up and tell me that she’s feeling better. (I’m not a very good nurse.) And I guess we can consider this the start of my first week back “at work” since October.

I miss my friends. I miss my writing. I miss podcasting. I miss the better parts of social media.

So it’s time to get back to work.

Dear Me, Concise writing isn’t a suggestion - it’s keeping a promise. When you engage a...

Mon, 26 Mar 2012 10:00:06 -0400

Dear Me,

Concise writing isn’t a suggestion - it’s keeping a promise.

When you engage a reader, there’s an unspoken promise to deliver the goods, to not waste the reader’s time. Not editing saves you time, but doesn’t lead to concise writing. And while you can edit in secret, you can’t hide bloated writing.

You’re going to use someone’s time - choose wisely.

Is Mass Effect 3 Art?

Thu, 22 Mar 2012 07:59:00 -0400

Contains spoilers for the ending of Mass Effect 3, like pretty much everything else ever written about it.

Is Mass Effect 3 art?

You already have your answer, and I’m sure it’s a good one, but consider that your definition of the medium demarcates its purpose. If video games are toys, then let’s react to them as toys. If video games are a burgeoning form of storytelling, let’s examine them as such. And if video games are simply amusing junk foisted upon us by an uncaring industry, let’s at least offer up the reverence typically reserved for movie theater popcorn.

Because, at present, video games grant you the guidelines for reactionary behavior, not a form of objective appraisal. Nothing about Mass Effect 3 stimulates a critical response.

And that’s why it’s important to ask if ME3 is art.

Was your adventure across the stars a representation of the human condition, an interactive experience crafted to compel and edify, or was it just entertainment software?

Mass Effect 3 is art.

If that’s what you believe, the game stands as is. The creators don’t need to do anything else. The series is plagued by poor writing, and that’s how it ends. You can offer criticism, but no one has to listen to you. You can refuse to indulge in Bioware’s next opus, but no one has to make an effort to appease you. Art stands on its own.

But if ME3 is art, it deserves to be considered as such, from its tone-deaf opening and tacky character redesigns to its pervasive fan service right up to its slipshod ending. As art, the game needs to be criticized, and our goal should be to understand what didn’t work in order to advance the medium. It’s our duty to make art better for the future.

However, it’s not our right to demand that art be revised. We can deconstruct and alter it on our own, but the artist owes us nothing beyond art. It is the artist’s ability to express herself that allows art to be, and it’s our ability to offer criticism that allows that art to be better. But we can’t confuse our abilities with a right. All we can do is put our faith in lucidity and hope for the best.

Mass Effect 3 is art. It’s exceptional in its presentation of visceral content, but the game rushed to resolve too much in its final chapter, and in turn, the series is unable to offer any sense of catharsis to justify its immoderate action and abundant fan service. This is a title that depended on opportune resolution, and it provided only explosions and schlock.

Self-referential humor and stunning visuals are not an adequate substitute for well-written material capable of maturing the medium. While jokes and violence may play well with reviewers, neither will ever excuse the use of a deus ex machina.

Mass Effect 3 is not art.

If that’s what you believe, the game should be revised. Entertainment is meant to please and beguile us, and ME3 failed at that. Lackluster software can, and should, be patched to resemble what was promised by both advertisements and the game’s own internal logic. What matters most is that the product is able to please the maximum number of customers.

If ME3 is a product, its goal is to increase brand loyalty by providing us with a utility surplus. Bioware spent two games building credit, establishing the universe and endearing us to certain characters, but the developer burnt too much credit with tie-in merchandise, downloadable content and bad writing. As a product, ME3 needed to make us feel like our support was well-deserved, and when it didn’t, consumer backlash was inevitable.

But there’s no functional intermediary between consumers and developers. If a game is unsatisfactory, consumers can post nasty comments, threaten boycotts or donate to charity, though there’s no guarantee that any company will listen. It takes a lot of effort to be heard, and even then, a satisfactory response takes time. Press releases have to be written. Extra content has to be created. Patches have to be tested. And even then, nothing has transpired to strengthen the connection between developer and consumer.

Mass Effect 3 is not art. It’s a robust product capable of occupying two or three weeks of your spare time, and as entertainment software, it leaves us wanting more from the interactive story of Commander Shepard and her crew. The game may leave you with the feeling that Bioware is unworthy of your support in the future, depending on how much you’ve spent to keep up with the franchise in the past.

In order for the developer to continue to successfully push franchise-related products, such as downloadable content, tie-in books and comics, and action figures, consumers will need a show of faith to reconcile their perceived debt, which, in turn, is needed to retain a loyal customer base.

Where We Go Next

Mass Effect 3 will come and go, but still, the medium stagnates. Bioware is vilified, despite how their work has advanced video games as a whole. Critics get more content written by the same team that gave EDI tits. Fans are offered an olive branch with no apology. Loyal customers are asked to support a franchise that disappointed them. And yet, the cacophony of demands grows louder.

Change the ending. Buy our products.

Stop complaining. Start retaking.

Listen to the fans. Art is more important than you.

But what if we’re all arguing over something we’ve already decided upon?

Is this the right way to decide whether or not video games are art?

Is it our duty to improve art or the industry?

What do we really want?

Why We're Afraid of Real Women in Video Games

Sat, 17 Mar 2012 17:52:47 -0400

Ever wonder why there’s so few believable female characters in video games? Well, it’s probably because of me.

I never learned to deal with disappointing women. Besides my father, the guys were never much of a problem - you let another man down, and it’s a learning experience. You let a woman down, and well, for a guy like me, judgmental women are a conflict unto themselves.

Though as a gamer, that’s an anxiety I rarely have to confront. Yeah, once in a while, I have to make peace with not being able to save the princess, but it’s not like I have to explain to her why I’m not good enough to get past World 5-4. And let’s be honest - little has prepared me for letting down a woman I care about.

That’s got nothing to do with hate, and everything to do with fear.

In Gears of War, I can get sliced up by a space alien and never lose my cool, but the second I have a woman I trust, a woman I care about, questioning my ability to be the hero, that’s when I stumble and fall on my own chainsaw. So, is it any wonder why women are often portrayed as busty sycophants?

Realistic female characters run the risk of making me question what kind of man I am.

The obvious response to all this is, “Okay, but go fuck yourself and get over it.” And while I agree with my need for self-improvement, that sentiment ignores the fact that I’m 27 and I still feel the need to defend the myth of my masculinity to no one in particular. I’m barely mature enough to explain that to you. Now, imagine average 16-24 year-old males, those boys that haven’t yet learned to empathize with women, and try marketing your ideas to them.

Because here’s the thing we don’t want to believe about video games: they are emotional experiences. They get under our skin, they make us feel things that we can’t let out in public. That’s why so many young men play games that make them feel powerful and unstoppable, because right now, in so many first-world economies, that’s the hardest thing to feel in the real world. And when it comes to taking that ride, feeling that thrill, few guys want to drop $60 on entertainment that makes us feel inadequate.

If we want to start making games that resonate, we have to find ways to overcome that fear and show our audience that there’s more to being human than fending off violent aliens. That’s how you make better games, and that’s how you make better men.

Paul suggested a great title. Thanks, @fuzzytypewriter!

Thu, 01 Mar 2012 08:16:34 -0500

Paul suggested a great title. Thanks, @fuzzytypewriter!

I hate coming up with titles, but I enjoy playing around in...

Thu, 01 Mar 2012 07:48:32 -0500

I hate coming up with titles, but I enjoy playing around in Photoshop.

"And remember who and what you stand for in life."

Tue, 28 Feb 2012 03:39:03 -0500

“And remember who and what you stand for in life.”

The answer is "an absence of education."

Mon, 27 Feb 2012 01:08:16 -0500

A high school teacher once asked me how I imagined Hell. I said, “Not being funny.” She replied, “Well, I guess you’re there now.”

I don’t know why that stuck with me, but it did. That and other embarrassing moments float in and out of my mind on a regular basis. The thoughts that make me smile are, at best, elusive.

If there’s one activity I’ve mastered, it’s diminishing my success.

I didn’t go to my college graduation ceremony. As a child, I never understood the purpose of celebrating accomplishments in that way. My father taught me that it was a waste of time, another uncomfortable hour spent with strangers. And in time, I forgot that I did graduate.

I got a degree in economics, with honors, and accomplished something only 31% of Americans manage. But unlike most of those Americans, I’m not proud of what I’ve done. If anything, the reality of being a college graduate with no debt makes me ashamed of myself.

I grew up surrounded by smart kids. My elders told me to be more like them. They were great at math, and I wasn’t. But I was so smart - my lack of proficiency with numbers had to be due to laziness. And then there was my poor performance in sports, which had to be some sort of oversight on my part. Again, probably laziness. I mean, look at all of the other kids… they knew how to throw a football or get the square root of 176 in their heads.

Yet I never enjoyed math. I never improved at sports.

My snarky comments and bad jokes are how I hid my fear of inadequacy and discomfort. Empathy is ineffectual without education. And without humanity, I don’t understand why I exist.

Attempts at humor can hide it, but an absence of compassion is how I imagine my own private Hell.

Why is it then that I find it so hard to be sympathetic to my own self?

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I research for hours. I read all sorts of books on writing, Buddhism and...

Sat, 25 Feb 2012 04:16:33 -0500

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I research for hours. I read all sorts of books on writing, Buddhism and productivity. I even manage to put my work out into the world once I finish it.

But I still don’t believe I can do this.

And for the fucking life of me, I don’t know why I’m telling anyone else that. I’m supposed to be better, some new man, but I’m not.

After the various disastrous relationships, the medication, the therapy and the grand transformation that was my first book, I am still unable to keep my mind and path clear. Just the same shit clanging in my head. The fear and discomfort are always more real than all of that theoretical progress.

What the fuck am I supposed to say? I love you all. You’re wonderful. This place is wonderful. It’s me that’s the problem, and even if I’m pretty sure that my depression is going to be the end of me, you knew that already. There’s no one that doesn’t know that.

And it’s my fault. It’s my fault for not learning to fight harder, to find better ways to treat myself… it’s very much my fault that even though I grew up being told I was some sort of fucking genius that I never learned how to outsmart myself.

What the hell’s the point of an education or an amazing mind if you’re dead? Still can’t figure that one out. Been taught wrong my whole fucking life.

Fuck.

Typing it out makes me feel better, and by tomorrow, this shit might be out of my system, but I’m not convinced I can do any of this. And I know damn well that I won’t know until I’ve either done it or looked back on it with regret.

Fucking life. It’s a fucking miracle, and it’s also a fucking motherfucker.

"The overwhelming majority of men and women like to do the same kinds of things in online..."

Mon, 20 Feb 2012 06:05:00 -0500

“

The overwhelming majority of men and women like to do the same kinds of things in online games…

An attempt to identify play motivations that appeal to the “female brain” might be solving a problem that doesn’t actually exist…

Players are less likely to be achievement-driven in video games as they get older. As we see in the previous section, female players in MMOs tend to be older than male players. Thus, a pure gender comparison without taking into account the underlying age differences between male and female players would have inflated the apparent gender difference. Given the nontrivial role that age plays in motivations for playing MMOs, it is ironic that so much attention has focused on gender alone.

”

- Nick Yee, Maps of Digital Desires: Exploring the Topography of Gender and Play in Online Games