February 2012
10 posts
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
I research for hours. I read all sorts of books on writing, Buddhism and productivity. I even manage to put my work out into the world once I finish it.
But I still don’t believe I can do this.
And for the fucking life of me, I don’t know why I’m telling anyone else that. I’m supposed to be better, some new man, but I’m not.
After the...
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“The overwhelming majority of men and women like to do the same kinds of things...”
– Nick Yee, Maps of Digital Desires: Exploring the Topography of Gender and Play in Online Games
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Less Mordin, more details.
What are you doing?
Writing.
More specifically, researching and writing two new books. Both, in their own ways, will follow-up 700 Hours of Yelling.
I’m bad at titles, so for now, let’s call them VG101 and TSW.
TSW is a fiction book about Parker, a 20-year-old programmer in search of happiness in a world of pervasive technology, lost connections and disgruntled ex-child prodigies....
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TSW Dev Blog - Day Nine
Been worked up about new book. Afraid that my inability to ask for help will lead to another failure.
To review, last book kept me agitated with unfamiliar methods. Had to learn a lot in a month. Cover design. E-book publishing. Dealing with query letters. Website construction. Promotional dealings. Even tried to do a podcast about it.
In retrospect, never asked for help at critical moments.
...
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“A video game is an interactive sequence of images designed to create an...”
– My functional definition for the medium. Specific, but not pedantic.
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TSW Dev Blog - Day Six
Went through box of notes. Found love letters and old writing. Struggled to continue.
Not doing this to hide. Intend to face demons and expose them to world.
Always failing to explain how hard process is. Complicated.
Interruptions don’t help. Things to make me forget. Wouldn’t be doing this if that was my goal. Can’t focus now because of then. Need to fix that.
But not all...
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TSW Dev Blog - Day Four
Sorted through old conversations. Made me fearful of friends’ opinions. Online interaction infects words with twinge of narcissism. Can’t be sure of anything when identity is meat and electronics incorporated.
Critical of every move, yet afraid of shamelessness and arrogance - funny and tragic.
Fears comes from truth. Want to be pride of companions. Not talented enough to fix...
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TSW Dev Blog - Day Two
Tried to take a break last night. Time away just made my brain wobble.
Recently, three people classified me as smart. Don’t like that distinction. Intelligence has nothing to do with anything. Variation. Inspiration. Hard work. Blind faith. Sheer numbers. Dumb luck. Hard to value important things.
Want to be seen as less smart, more inspirational.
Have to stop being reactionary. Felt...
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TSW Dev Blog - Day One
Fell asleep on office couch last night. Back feels like crunchy Ramen noodles.
Frustrated with concept of connotation. Want to use “consistent” in theory, but it inspires wrong concept in student. Wonder how walls of geekdom would crumble if communication was more simple and less costly.
Will start more Python exercises soon. Can’t stop learning.
Geek sexuality stuck in my...
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Failure
For me, last year was a year of failure.
An obvious example? 700 Hours of Yelling, my first book. It took me months to write when I wanted it to take weeks. It only sold a few copies when I wanted it to sell more. It was hardly seen by anyone, and yeah, more exposure would have been nice. So much could have gone better. But it didn’t. It didn’t because I made a lot of mistakes.
I...
January 2012
2 posts
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December 2011
2 posts
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“One central dilemma for the girl games movement is figuring out how to get there...”
– Nick Yee, Maps of Digital Desires: Exploring the Topography of Gender and Play in Online Games
November 2011
25 posts
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700 Hours of Yelling: Acknowledgments, Part Eight
I didn’t have room to write out personalized thank you notes to everyone in the book, but I can do whatever I want here, hence these posts.
Matt - In a way, this shit started when Matt told me that I wrote well in high school. He indulged my need to share my words with the crew, through ill-fated projects and unfinished scripts alike, and somehow, remained my friend.
You were always there. You...
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700 Hours of Yelling: Acknowledgments, Part Seven
I didn’t have room to write out personalized thank you notes to everyone in the book, but I can do whatever I want here, hence these posts.
Brandon - I never thought I would envy the shit out of a bunch of fresh-faced college students going to their first English 101 class. But then again, I never thought that I’d be looking forward to another 700 hours of BC2 with you. Well, no;...
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700 Hours of Yelling: Acknowledgments, Part Six
I didn’t have room to write out personalized thank you notes to everyone in the book, but I can do whatever I want here, hence these posts.
Chris and Aileen - You both mean so much to me. I know I’m supposed to be a good writer and all that, but fuck… I just don’t know how to put how I feel into words right now. Luckily, I know you know what I want to say, one of the many...
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700 Hours of Yelling: Acknowledgments, Part Five
I didn’t have room to write out personalized thank you notes to everyone in the book, but I can do whatever I want here, hence these posts.
Bobgar - Once in a while, I get to read thoughts from these brilliant fucking creative minds that somehow want something to do with my sorry ass. I get to see wonderful art on a daily basis, but every few months, there are these moments when, say, Bob claims...
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700 Hours of Yelling: Acknowledgments, Part Four
I didn’t have room to write out personalized thank you notes to everyone in the book, but I can do whatever I want here, hence these posts.
Dad and Mom - You gave me a place to stay after another bump in the road, and it’s meant that I can work on my dreams. Thank you.
Katie - You spent three months being my connection to the real world, managing to maintain a constant balance between...
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700 Hours of Yelling: Chapter Four - Port Valdez,... →
What follows is a short commentary on the chapter:
I don’t actually believe that sociology is bullshit. I do believe that if you put a group of guys in a competitive atmosphere for a few months and let them build a friendship around that, you’re going to hear some pretty interesting things when they argue.
As an example, the first thing I cut from this chapter was an intro paragraph...
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700 Hours of Yelling: Acknowledgments, Part Three
I didn’t have room to write out personalized thank you notes to everyone in the book, but I can do whatever I want here, hence these posts.
Rory, Carl, Andy, Ian, Remy, Phil, Jason and everyone else at Guerrilla Geek - I’ve really enjoyed working with you folks over the last year. As always, you make me proud to call the Internet my workplace, my playground and most importantly, my second...
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101 Geek Guy Myths: #101 I am just a geek.
I’m a friend. I’m a son. I’m a guy.
There’s so much about me that can’t be summed up by that one word.
I’m a writer. I’m a reader. I’m a runner. I’m a punk.
Anyone can be a geek. It’s not about what you are.
I’m a fan. I’m a gamer. I’m a person.
It’s about what you love.
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700 Hours of Yelling: Acknowledgments, Part Two
I didn’t have room to write out personalized thank you notes to everyone in the book, but I can do whatever I want here, hence these posts.
Nimo - Oh, lady. You’re so hard on yourself, yet you’re always so nice to me. Just accept that you’re wonderful and that I’m glad that I get to know you.
Wendi - You’re everything awesome wrapped up in one person. Keep on...
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700 Hours of Yelling: Chapter Three - The Waters... →
The following is a short commentary on the chapter:
Another obvious tip about writing is that you’re supposed to “kill your darlings.” In doing that for this chapter, I had to delete a few anecdotes about playing with Lettuce, stuff that still makes me laugh.
For one, the ability to hurt your own team was turned off in Battlefield 1943, which Lettuce simply would not accept....
literateknits asked: HOW WAS I NOT FOLLOWING YOU???
reblog with your hipster self
literateknits:
wonderali:
jennirl:
gingerhaze:
brofisting:
game here
how handy they had my entire actual wardrobe to choose from
I uh
This is a little too close for comfort.
i didn’t think i was that much of a hipster, but …. they even had my tattoo, more or less, so …
YAY MAKING STUFF!
All of the greens! And this is pretty much what I’m wearing right now.
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700 Hours of Yelling: Acknowledgments, Part One
I didn’t have room to write out personalized thank you notes to everyone in the book, but I can do whatever I want here, hence these posts.
Michele - You’re one tough lady, and that’s always given me strength. I wish I had spent less time milling about and more time learning from you.
Jake - When I think of video games, I think of you. Especially anything with giant robots....
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101 Geek Guy Myths: #100 My vocabulary will...
I would rather be magnanimous than pusillanimous in times that require me to be loquacious and verbose, but if I’ve ascertained any one verity in my peregrination, it’s that anthropoid raconteurs must remain scrupulous with their prodigious lexicons.
Then again, I never won any spelling bees as a kid, and I’ve definitely uttered more cusses than polysyllabic words in my...
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101 Geek Guy Myths: #99 I have an extensive card...
When I was a kid, I got interested in a lot of “collectible toys,” also known as “crap.” By the time I got into my teens, those memories of disappointment colored how I thought about playing Pokemon or Magic. Compared to a video game that I could enjoy immediately after installing it, the idea of gathering up friends, building a deck and learning the rules of the game...
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700 Hours of Yelling: Chapter Two - Loading... →
The following is a short commentary on the chapter:
It’s common advice to start a story as close to the end as possible, but I felt like that was a mistake when I first wrote this chapter. Sharing details about my depression and suicide attempts on my site feels safe, if only because I know that very few people hunt down a writer’s blog to make fun of him. But the book isn’t...
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Words Aren't Actions, Part Two
I stood back from the crowd and watched as protesters marched by, chanting that they were, in fact, the 99 percent. Ryan turned to me and I shrugged.
The two of us are big fans of socialism and wealth equality, but the scene seemed so… droll. There they went, about a hundred twenty-somethings stomping around Manhattan, providing the nearby diners with some mealtime entertainment. And I...
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101 Geek Guy Myths: #98 It's cult classics or...
Back in high school, I made fun of the Darkman series, because I thought it was insane that anyone could name a movie “Darkman III: Die Darkman Die.” That was, of course, before I knew anything about Sam Raimi. Anthony Dial said I was a fool, and he gave me a copy of Army of Darkness to watch.
Obviously, I loved it. And that was the first time, beyond a Kevin Smith movie, that I...
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101 Geek Guy Myths: #97 People are obstacles to...
I wouldn’t classify myself as an introvert, but I still prefer to use the “automated” options, such as the self-checkout lane or pizza ordering websites. But that doesn’t mean I have something against people.
If anything, my choice is usually to benefit those around me. I don’t want to spend ten minutes wasting someone’s time on the phone as I decide between...
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700 Hours of Yelling: Chapter One - Arica Harbor,... →
The following is a short commentary on the chapter:
I found it exceptionally hard to articulate a span of time for these “action intros.” A round of Conquest in Bad Company 2 rarely goes longer than 15 minutes, and the squad always managed to accomplish a lot despite that deadline. We had full conversations about things that bothered us, in addition to our usual call-outs, with enough...
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When I see someone eating a lot of high fiber foods, it does a lot to humanize that person for me. I won’t say that I love people just because they eat whole wheat toast, but it’s definitely harder to hate them.
How can you work up the least bit of spite for anyone that has trouble pooping?
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The 700 Hours of Yelling Facebook Page →
I made a Facebook page for my eBook, 700 Hours of Yelling, because it’s what all the cool kids do these days. Feel free to like it, if that’s what you enjoy doing.
October 2011
9 posts
Living in Post Collapse America
Okay, can’t go off with my usual rambling, but I’ve got two things to mention:
I’m without power until (possibly) Thursday, so if you need to get in contact with me, best limit that to Twitter. I can reply there when the 3G isn’t spotty on the Kindle, which is holding a charge like a champ. As for e-mail and phone calls, it’s a bit harder. Cell reception was out...
If it isn’t obvious from all of my silence alternated with nervous rambling, I’m about to finish the final edit of my first book.
During my “morning break,” I cleaned up around my desk and did some math.
In the last two weeks, I’ve consumed about 5,040 mg of caffeine. That’s equal to 63 cans of Red Bull.
The book will be out soon, and then, I’m...
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Bookie Monster
Over-scheduling myself: I do it.
Not too long ago, I shared a book cover. Within a month, that image will get attached to text and become 700 Hours of Yelling: Dispatches from the Digital Battlefield. It’s the story of how I turned to escapism as a way to cope with my depression, only to find myself dealing with stereotypes, misconceptions, questions of self-identity, addiction, fanboys,...
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To-Do To-Day
Future me, make sure you get this shit done because your pen is all the way over there on the desk for now.
Get a hour or two of sleep
Edit 11, 12, 14, 15
Focus on your inbox for once and respond to Brianna
Send the list of feature writers to Carl
Write a query letter
Post a part two blog thing
Edit the action intros
E-mail Ein
Send Kristen some love
Go for a run
Finish season 2 of BSG
...
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Words Aren't Actions, Part One
It’s hard for me to believe in progress when I keep making the same mistakes.
Two months ago, I gave up my day-to-day work schedule. Before that, my plan was to focus on getting more paid work and developing my career as a writer. Instead, I felt that it was important to finish my long-form non-fiction, to hold off on the other stuff temporarily.
And then, what was going to be a few days...
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Still Alive, Still Writing
I am…
editing the second draft to my 20,000+ word series on the 700 hours I spent playing Battlefield: Bad Company 2.
researching a new project, which, if I can fund it, will become a book about geek culture.
preparing to serve as the guest editor for features at GuerrillaGeek.com.
developing new article ideas, most of which have to do with Generation Y, my new obsession.
re-learning...
September 2011
47 posts
First Draft Frenzy
When I was younger, I used to share first drafts with anyone. Hell, I barely finished typing before I e-mailed my words to Ryan and Mande. But in the last year, I’ve been more “professional” and often keep my drafts private, even to my editors.
And that makes this a bit weird.
I’ve been busy with working on the story of the 700 hours I spent playing Battlefield: Bad...
dopemachine asked: Hows work going?