February 25, 2013 at 3:53am
Took Soap to see Silver Linings Playbook tonight. It was good; but my past made it rough to sit through at times.
Besides that, I’m tired. Mentally tired. Which makes sense, because last week was 90ish hours of anxiety and panic. Going to take an extended break tomorrow night to play Prototype 2. Need to do more yoga. Need to do more meditation.
Need to e-mail Greg and Ryan.
But first, sleep.
February 20, 2013 at 4:24pm
Okay, here comes another failblog.
I have terrible fucking boundaries. I mean, yeah, I’m good with personal space and not manipulating others, but with work, well…
I’ve been having a lot of trouble being mindful when there’s work problems kicking around in my brain. And since writing and researching has become my full-time job, I tend to do that thing where I focus until it’s three weeks later and I still haven’t e-mailed Greg about meeting up again.
But hey, I’ve got really forgiving friends who know I’m trying to work that shit out. Hell, every conversation I have with Ryan wraps up like the ending to Terminator 2. Except it wasn’t always like that.
So, what changed?
Well, I became more patient.
Being less nervous and more patient has allowed me to focus on more tasks related to bigger goals for longer. And at a glance, that sounds like a massive breakthrough for me, because it means that I finally unlocked the essential skill needed to get my books done. But that’s not how it goes.
Because at the same time, I’ve let all of my other short term goals slip. I’ve missed dates with friends. I haven’t been on any podcasts. I forgot about all of the little projects I used to do to keep in touch with people. And as a result, I’ve become less happy and far less excited about my life.
Almost all of the stuff I’m doing won’t “pay off” until later this year, if that.
It’s time I break up my schedule to allow for more projects, even if it means delaying some of the bigger stuff.
I miss my friends, and I miss working on stuff with them.
February 19, 2013 at 6:15pm
I need to get better at updating this, especially since I’m learning more than I’m producing.
February 9, 2013 at 9:59pm
As with everything, there’s a trade-off.
I’ve tried to put myself on a “maker’s schedule,” by waking up late and going to bed late, so I can focus on my work, alone, but if today showed me anything, it’s that I need to be more normal. Especially because the trade-off is maybe an extra hour of work each night for sacrificing my sanity.
So, today’s new update is to wake up earlier, go to bed earlier and try to get some sunlight on my skin.
January 31, 2013 at 6:18pm
“raw gobbets of mouth-beef dangling onto my tongue”
So, I fucked up. Kinda.
Well, no. I fucked up.
But hey, I’m still here to do a postmortem, so that’s something.
No two projects should be in the same phase at the same time. Cramming six or seven “new” things in my life was a recipe for disaster. Prepping for work by reading comics did not make me want to read more research for the book. In a day, I’m lucky if I can get four hours of reading done.
Schedules are bullshit as long as I meet deadlines.
It’s stupid to spend two hours dragging my feet on work, wishing I could socialize with friends or go for a run, when I can just do that for two hours and get back to work refreshed. When I’m focused, I can bang out work in half the time.
Communication is key.
Typing that makes me feel like a child, but it’s something I need to integrate into everything I do. My relationship with Sophia works because we communicate. (We DMed each other about 50 times today.) And yet, I can’t drop Ryan a tweet to tell him that we should skype more? Woof.
Drafting is planned obsolescence.
I procrastinate because I’m a perfectionist, and I’m a perfectionist because I procrastinate. But I’m also an imperfect, fallible dude that wants to accomplish his goals. Small failures and minor missteps get me closer to improving myself. Putting shit off until I stress about it is the big failure.
Getting past my depression is a three step process.
I found a bunch of old therapy stuff back in October, and the second time around, it was enough to keep me going during a bad relapse. Yeah, I stumbled and lost more time, but now, I’ve got a better grasp on how to handle it.
- Knock out whatever emotions are dragging me down, and work through therapy worksheets until I realize the irrationality of it.
- Fix my physical and mental symptoms by doing the right tasks in the right order. If I can’t focus, I can run, do yoga or meditate. If I don’t have enough energy, I can read, study or work. There’s always something I can do, even if I’m only 40% of my usual self.
- When in doubt, there’s distraction, diversion and entertainment. Having fun and getting help from my support system is not a waste of time. If I’m going to stay off meds, it’s important that I work on being happy and healthy as I complete my goals.
So, yeah. Another few months, another few learning experiences.
January 26, 2013 at 3:44am
Up late, learning Python.
“if the techies aren’t grinding, the stock ain’t climbing.”
How long until someone builds a company that incorporates the SPV model with the crowdfunding brouhaha of Kickstarter? There has to be a legal or financial reason why it hasn’t happened yet.
Currently, fans trade money for rewards, if the project is funded. A lot of the time, those rewards have something to do with the product being produced, i.e. you get what you fund. But there’s nothing that guarantees quality or completion, beyond the promise to KS that the rewards will be sent out ASAP.
With a crowdfunding and slate financing, our company - let’s call it Punchstarter - would collect 20-30 popular projects, seek production funding from fans and form an SPV. And in addition to fans funding independent development, there’s a bond company stooge to keep the projects on time and under budget.
The indie devs get shit done, buying back their IP after completion. Fans get what they finance. The company gets a cut for turning fan money into an SPV. Bigger contributions get equity that’ll attract investors and maybe even inspire fans to become investors. (After all, getting people to put money into diversified investments? Not the worst idea ever.) Plus, normal people get to see what it’s like to get involved in the business side of art production, instead of the “you give me money and I’ll get it done” models we’ve seen.
I don’t know. It’s a thought.
“male geeks don’t know how to deal with real live women”
Spent an hour and a half watching disturbing porn with the Kid. (He’s not actually a kid.) My nightmares will be forever haunted by the image of a lady pooping out gummy worms.
Made cookie dough. Tomorrow, cookies.
Came up with a project to justify my webdev goals. Digitizing and tracking my therapy worksheets - I don’t know why I didn’t think of it sooner.
“If you can’t track it, you can’t change it.” - Esther Dyson
Today wasn’t very productive, but I’m excited by the possibility of combining my battle against depression and my quest for knowledge. (That sounds so stupid.) Yet another potentially-good-idea to come out of my running-shower-podcast time.
Biking goal: 42 miles in one day
Running goal: 6 miles in 75 minutes
Upper body goal: 20 pull-ups without my arms falling off
Late at night. Pale as fuck.
I’d probably be in bed with Soap right now if it wasn’t for the fact that she got me watching Jiro Dreams of Sushi today.
Instead, I work.
January 16, 2013 at 8:33am
They mow the lawn every ten minutes at Microsoft. It looks like green Lego pads.
Hurt my neck, then strained my back shoveling wet snow. So, instead of sleeping, I’m sitting here thinking about work.
Over the last day, it’s become obvious that my fears have evolved into something new. Last year, I was worried about failure. This year, I’m worried about focusing on the wrong things.
Should I be with friends? Should I be reading? Should I be in bed with Soap? Should I try to return to school?
At times, it seems like I get little to no feedback about that. I mean, I miss my friends. I feel like I should close the laptop and go to bed. But feelings… I don’t know how to rationally assess this stuff on my own.
I’ve still got a long way to go with therapy. I’ve still got a long way to go with a lot of things.
But I did eat one of those Dorito tacos from Taco Bell. At least I’m 100% sure I made the wrong choice there.